Q: My dad is 82 years old. He has always had an angry disposition and now has dementia. The problem my mom and I are having is that he has always been so careful about cleanliness and I know it is common that with age comes a lack of caring about such things. Whenever my mom or I mention that he needs to shave, which he will go for days without doing, he gets extremely angry and yells at her. Even when I try to mention it, he gets very angry. Our question to you is what is the right way to approach it? I have tried everything, starting with very light-hearted methods so as not to anger him, but even that causes problems. This causes so much stress to my mom that we both dread mentioning it but we can’t very well go out and about with him dirty and unshaven. We have tried telling him that we can’t go out to dinner or do other things unless he shaves and he insists he did. I have spoken to his doctor and know this is all part of the dementia but we just don’t know how to deal with him. He was hard to deal with before the dementia and it is just getting harder.
Thank you in advance for your words of wisdom. We appreciate the work you do and the help you provide.
A: Dementia is frustrating, exhausting, confusing, disheartening, and downright unfair to everyone involved. I can appreciate that your father may have been cantankerous (to be kind) while you were growing up. It’s a little too late to address that issue that must have been very difficult for you and your mother. Now, everyone has received a double whammy with dementia added to an already complex issue.
I don’t know how advanced his dementia is at this stage. The condition develops when the portions of the brain involved with decision making, memory, and learning are compromised by one or more infections or diseases. Dementia is a loss of mental function considered severe enough to interfere with the person’s daily functioning. The most common form of dementia is Alzheimer’s; however, there are as many as 50 other known causes.
