DEAR DR. GOTT: I’m 17 and having difficulties meeting the expectations of my parents and teachers. The pressure is really strong and is a burden on the already heavy load I’m carrying. Can you help?
DEAR READER: Most students consider themselves knowledgeable, if not expert, regarding the subject of student pressure. The many theories of this phenomenon do little to solve the problem of what this is and what can be done about it. While the medical director of a local private school for 33 years, I saw the multifaceted consequences of this ubiquitous blight. Neither the problems nor the consequences have changed much over the years and, in fact, they may have exacerbated. All we need do is read the daily newspaper or watch television to see the horror stories unfurl when students and faculty are pressed too hard. There seems to exist two basic classes of student pressure — external and internal.
External pressure, either flamboyant or insidious, is delivered up by the environment. For example, consider pressure from teachers. “I don’t care that you’ve got a two-hour test tomorrow; tonight’s history assignment is STILL 60 pages!” Or from parents: “If I’m going to send you to a fancy private school, you should try harder to get good grades!” Or from peers: “Oh, c’mon. One little puff or a can of beer isn’t going to kill you!”
External pressure can be destructive if it takes the form of unrealistic expectations that students may find difficult or impossible to meet. Such demands can be seen in the teacher who flunks three-quarters of an entire class or in a parent who insists that his child must attend an Ivy League college. Students who accomplish goals solely to please their parents or other adults may become unhappy achievers under a constant blanket of pressure. External pressure is difficult to control because certain people “own” it and use it in an attempt to force other people into developing “maturity and independence.” This approach may be necessary in raising children, but in the adolescent, it can result in uncomfortable feelings. These feelings are often reflected in various escape techniques, such as drugs, feigned illness and dropping out.
On the other hand, internal pressure can be a positive force, as in, for example, the student who achieves because he wants to. Once a person develops a system of internal pressure, he may no longer need to be told what to do. This type of pressure enables people to make valid judgments regarding situations — for instance, “If I wait until the last minute to write my term paper, I’ll be sorry.”
Students who are operating under internal pressure may feel rushed and exasperated, but they seldom feel the need to escape. They tend to take successes and failures in stride. They may have better-developed concepts of what they can and cannot do. They are more fun and less grim. They usually feel good about themselves. By not being a slave to the wishes of other people, they can enjoy the security of attending to the many exciting options around them. They are not afraid of saying: “That’s not for me. I’d rather do this.”
While there are no easy answers to the problem of student pressure, perhaps some students would feel better by developing a certain amount of internal pressure that will enable them to pick appropriate goals and organize suitable methods of achieving them. This approach certainly beats the day-to-day overwork/fatigue/frustration cycle that seems to be such an accepted lifestyle at school.
External pressure is a continuing and constant feature of living in society. It can be dealt with, although not controlled, by putting it in perspective.
Every year of our lives — particularly those spent in the education system — should be filled with fond memories. Some events may not be uproariously funny and might even be rather humbling; that’s what makes us what we are. And I’m not implying that students shouldn’t work hard — quite the contrary. They should give these informative years their all and use each experience as a foundation for the future. I recommend you have a frank talk with your parents and teachers. Be responsive to their concerns and indicate you will attempt to meet their expectations. At the same time, explain the additional pressure creates more of a burden than you can handle. A compromise is in order. If necessary, seek the services of a guidance counselor, the clergy or other trusted adult who can guide you through this difficult period.
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