Unfortunately, the public is uneducated about alcoholism and relates to the disease, much like this writer, as shameful behaviors that can be changed “if he loved me enough.” When family members don’t understand the nature of alcoholism, they are prone to go to great lengths to get the alcoholic to stop drinking, as your response suggests. That is when the family members become sick, too, from attempting to battle a disease over which they have no control.

I am also encouraged by your response to try Al-Anon. There IS a solution for family members, and Al-Anon can provide a ray of hope to anyone who walks through the doors of a meeting. In addition to the education about alcoholism and the effects on family members, there are practical solutions to deal with the problems that come with the disease. As a member, I have seen miracles happen within the program. I have witnessed members transform their lives and live happy, fulfilled lives, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

Thank you for your response to the counselor. The power of an article can be far-reaching. I hope to see a family member who is still suffering from the effects of alcoholism show up at one of my Al-Anon meetings. Thank you.

DEAR READER: Thank you for the kind remarks. As I am sure you know, alcoholism is a serious problem. An addiction to alcohol, certain behaviors, smoking, narcotics, illicit drugs, even gambling can have devastating consequences, not only to the user but also to the user’s family and friends.

I don’t believe that the public is uneducated about alcoholism, simply undereducated. You are correct that there is a certain level of shame that goes along with addiction, and this shame often leads those who care to go to extreme lengths to cope with and even hide the problem, which only serves to complicate and worsen the situation. There is no shame in having an addiction. It truly is a disease; however, it’s one that cannot be cured with pills and exercise. Treatment requires willpower and a desire to get better.

It requires changing habits and behaviors, examination of feelings and emotions, and a great deal of hard work.

It’s not easy, and for most, it requires making daily (even hourly, in the beginning) choices between what is easy (falling back into the addiction) and what is best (continuing to fight against it).

The families of addicts must realize that no matter what they say or do, nothing will change until the addict is ready to make that choice. Covering up the problem and putting up a front doesn’t do any good for anyone involved. There is no shame in addiction, nor is there shame in getting help. There is shame, however, in shame.

Readers interested in learning more about alcohol addiction should visit the websites for Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Alateen (support for teens) and Al-Anon (support for families): www.AA.org and www.Al-Anon.Alateen.org.

DEAR READER: Alcohol can be a powerful addiction that can have devastating effects on both partners, their children, family and friends. Sadly, the person who needs the help is often the last to understand the complexity of the situation. Beyond that, the quantity of alcohol a person consumes and how often he or she consumes it is not nearly as important as the behavior that can follow and the results it can have on others.

While the disease — and it is a disease — can be hidden or explained in countless ways, invariably it surfaces. Employers tire rapidly of the feeble excuses. The extended lunch hour so an employee can enjoy a couple of “needed” pops often results in unemployent. Missed meals or soccer games and the empty seat at dance recitals affect children more than the alcoholic can begin to imagine. Children become fearful of their friends finding out and tend to withdraw from their friends and family. Spouses make excuses for canceling dinners with family members and acquaintances. It’s simply a no-win situation — a powder keg waiting to explode.

I am sure your pleas have fallen on deaf ears, so my recommendations may be difficult to handle. Your family needs help, and that help must start with you. Read your local newspaper to determine the nearest Al-Anon meeting. Don’t be embarrassed about attending. Everyone there is in the same boat. What is said there stays there, and you will realize you are not alone with the burden of an alcoholic. You will learn to cope, to find your own path. Your children can attend Alateen meetings to get themselves on the right path, as well. If you are more comfortable, you could start by participating in online or telephone meetings.

When confronted by your partner, and you will likely be verbally accosted, explain that your pleading fell on deaf ears for too long and it was too painful to sit back doing nothing. You were powerless and needed to take a stand. A victim — and that’s just what you are — can then ask if his or her husband, wife, partner, son, daughter, parent or friend will consider seeing a counselor, get in-house professional rehabilitation, or attend AA meetings. There are facilities across the country that work in a professional manner with their residents.

An alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic. There is no age limit, no ethnic pattern, no financial guideline, no educational group targeted — only broken promises, frustration and repeated heartbreak. Anyone can fall prey to this ghastly addiction. So there can be no excuses. If your suggestion fails, at least you will have tried your best and you will be stronger for making the effort. If it works, you will both have the ability to mend the relationship. You may feel as if you could create world peace more easily than taking such steps, and that may be just the case. It isn’t an easy road, but for the mental health of everyone, it is necessary.

To provide related information, I am sending you a copy of my Health Report “Help: Mental Illness and Substance Abuse.” Other readers who would like a copy should send a self-addressed stamped No. 10 envelope and a $2 check or money order to Newsletter, P.O. Box 167, Wickliffe, OH 44092-0167. Be sure to mention the title or print an order form off my website at www.AskDrGottMD.com. Good luck.